I used to be carefree
by nobodyshouldknow
Summary: Who knew that under the streets of New York the broken pieces of a onces strong team and loving family was mourning the death of four of it s members


I used to be carefree. And happy. Very happy. After all I had some great friends and an amazing girlfriend that I loved to pieces, and I spent a good part of my time beating up lowlifes. So yeah, I had a pretty good life, in my own opinion at least. And I was carefree. Guess certain people would call it stupidity. I was the kind of guy who ran towards danger and never stepped back from a challenge. I wasn't suicidal or anything though. Like I said before, I was happy. I loved my life. It was simply just that I was carefree.

Those days are gone now. I wonder if they will ever come back. I don´t know. I guess it depends on whether the woman I love will ever turn back into the person she used to be - before she became a shadow of herself.

Even if things will get better, even if April will ever pull herself up from the dark place she is in, I will never be carefree again.

Leo, Donnie, Splinter, Raphael. Why the hell did you have to die?

I miss them so much. All of them. Leo, the noble and brave leader who dedicated his life and every waking minute, every piece of strength and energy he had, into protecting his family. Splinter, old wise Splinter who loved his sons with all his heart and who I always respected, despite him never really being too fond of me. Donnie, the friendly, intelligent, weird, knowledge-thirsty Donnie who loved machine and technology and could ramble with April about science for hours, April whom he sacrificed his life for and now hates herself because she believes his death to her fault. And Raphael, good, old hot-headed, loyal, reckless Raphael. My best friend in the whole world and the one who understood me better than anyone.

If only Raphael were here. But he isn´t. None of them are anymore. It´s just me, Mikey and April. Well, what´s left of us. To be honest, then we aren´t the people we used to be. Not at all. Mikey hasn't laughed are smiled in over a year now. It´s almost as tragic as his brothers´ death. April has barely spoken a word since Donnie died. The guilt she feels has sent her into a deep pit of depression. It kills me seeing her like that. But no matter what we say to her, she won´t stop blaming herself. The deaths of Raph, Splinter and Leo don´t help either. It´s just all too much for her. It´s too much for all of us.

I started fighting crimes because I got fed up with people getting away with everything without anyone ever doing anything about it. Grew up in a rough neighborhood you see. My father died when I was a kid. All thanks to a certain man called the Hun. Apart from my father´s death my life was pretty good. I had a kick-ass mum and I knew a lot of great people. One day while fighting crimes a strange, green thing interrupted me when I was teaching some punks a lesson. Needless to say I got pretty ticked off. The thing tried to calm me down, but I wouldn´t listen so we fought. Not the most honorable fight of my life. Not from my side. I guess I kind of only got away because I sucker-punched the creature. A while later I met up with some purple dragons on an arranged" meeting". Stupid mistake. But the green thing, who called himself Raphael, showed up, this time to fight alongside me. And he brought three other green things with him. His brothers, he told me. And well, safe to say that the five of us kicked some serious butts´. And the green things? They became my friends and later my family. The teenage ninja mutant turtles.

Shortly after that first battle together, Raph came by my apartment and asked me to help a friend of his moving some stuff. It was then I first met April.

Things went up and down after that. A lot of bad stuff happened, but there were also all lot of good time. The best thing about all of it was without a doubt April. Meeting her made me happier than anything else ever had and gave me a sense of life I had never felt before, despite all of my wild adventures.

Now that is all over. No more laughter, pranks or jokes or movie nights together. No more Raphel. No more Donnie. No more Splinter. No more Leo. Just the pain of losing them. And the fear of losing the few people I´ve got left in my life.

All our problems back then; thieves, alien invasions, the destruction of April ´s shop, all of that seems so small now. And all those good times, laughing, talking, fooling around, relaxing and having fun together, all that seems so distant now. So far away. Like from another lifetime.

Leo was the first who died. It was the Shredder himself who put a sword through his heart. The first real tragedy. Then it was Splinter´s turn. Karai took care of him. Donnie was next. He died about four months after Splinter. There was another Foot attack and one of the Foot-ninjas tried to kill April, but Donnie saved her. Too bad it was at the cost of his own life. Raph died right after. He went out one night and the Purple Dragons got him. For once in his life, he didn´t defeat them.

So now it is just the three of us left. A once reckless vigilante who now lives in hiding, a ninja turtle who in less than a year has lost his father and all three of his brothers, and a woman who is ridden with guilt over one of her best friend´s death.

I miss them so much. Ever since Raphael died I haven´t fought. I haven´t even left the lair except to buy food or go to work. Lost my old one after I didn´t show up for weeks. When the cash finished up I got a new one. Sold the apartment. Was never there anymore. The lair is my home now. If you can call it a home. Mikey wanted to find a new place. Too many bad memories. Well, actually great memories, which is why they are so painful now. But when it came down to it none of us could bring ourselves with leaving our comfort-zone and looking for a new place. Frankly I was glad he didn´t do it. I agreed to move, but only for Mikey´s sake. I really didn´t want leave. It was where we felt as safe as we possibly could these days.

The Shredder has won. And he has taken my friends- my family. The ones of us that remain are only shadows of what we used to be.

Splinter, Leo, Donnie, Raph. I miss you.

Better get my butt top-side to get some food.

I leave the safety (if you can call it that) of the sewers to go and buy something for the three of us to eat. I look around, always alert, all ways prepared for an ambush, and then hurry back to the lair. Because I used to be carefree- but now those days are gone forever.


End file.
